The Adventures of Ratchet-Man!

  What's this? A mysterious box? Good heavens, what could possibly be inside? I hope it's not a bomb as I have numerous enemies who would love nothing more than to see see my untimely demise. I decided to open the cardboard surprise to study the guts of this strange abomination.

 Oh, right, I ordered an AB-Lounge Ultra. Why the hell did I do that? Am I getting fat? No, not very likely. Well, as long as it's here, I may as well use it, right? Time to feel the burn!  

 Oh, right, I ordered an AB-Lounge Ultra. Why the hell did I do that? Am I getting fat? No, not very likely. Well, as long as it's here, I may as well use it, right? Time to feel the burn!  

 Squirt jumped inside and took a look around.

"Um, Chad," she said, "I think this is going to take some work. This will probably take some level of mechanical skill that you do not currently possess."

Squirt was right. I am, by no means, mechanically inclined. Sure, I could fix your computer but when it comes to anything not related to that subject, it becomes a difficult task to even microwave a frozen burrito.  

 I inspected the item more closely and was astonished at the humility of my situation. Shame began to set in as I knew I would be forced to resort to alternative measures to ensure the construction of the devise.

Then, a thought dawned on me. Why should I be the one to have to put this thing together. Why not someone better? Someone.......SUPER! But who? Who would come to save the day? At that moment a mysterious figure broke down my back door, pushed me to the ground and stole my burrito.  

 "Never fear, Ratchet-Man is here!"

My masked assailant stood above me, striking a gallant pose and kicking me in the balls.

"Your feeble skills are no match for mine, human! Stand back and allow me to construct the devise and make out with your girlfriend! Oh, and your burrito is still cold in the middle."  

  

 Ratchet-Man struck another pose after drinking my last beer.

"Stay out of the way, mortal! You are not fit to call yourself a man and you smell of elderberries!"

 

 Ratchet-Man grabbed my phone and ordered pizza on my credit card. Then he ordered pay-per-view porn and made me fix him a vodka-tonic. I could hear him from the next room shouting, "If you put one vegetable on that pizza I'll rip your fucking balls off! I want meat, not a damn salad!"

 At that moment, I lunged at him with a knife but he slapped me in the face and took it away from me.

"Silly human, Ratchet-Man cannot be hurt by physical means! You have no idea that......hey, that's a sweet knife. I'm taking this"

   

 After feeding him several more vodkas, Ratchet-Man calmed down and decided to take a look at the AB-Lounge.

 "A manual? Ratchet-Man has no use for manuals! Where is my super-lighter so I can burn them like I burned David Caruso's acting ability."

 As it turned out, the Ab-Lounge Ultra came almost completely assembled. This was a good thing because Ratchet-Man was getting pretty drunk and staring rather oddly at my cat. I was beginning to become worried.

 "Observe my skills, human! No ordinary man can match my abilities! My powers are far beyond anything your human comics have shown you! By the way, I used to beat up Superman in high-school. Seriously!" 

 Ratchet-Man decided to strike one last pose before leaving. Of course he stole my wallet, as well. I truly, truly despise him. Of course, I couldn't help but think to myself that I might not have seen the last of that costumed asshole. Better get bigger door locks, I think. God, my balls still hurt.   

Cheeseburger Diaries: The Skyscraper

  
 Are you hungry for a decent burger? I sure am. The problem is avoiding all those fast-food joints and taking matters into your own hands to get the kind of burger that will really satisfy. Taking this into account, I decided that the best burger in the world is the one that you make for yourself. The question is: what kind of burger am I looking for?

I love the Quad-Stacker burger from Burger King. Four beef patties, four slices of cheese and four strips of bacon. Seriously, I'm getting a hard-on just thinking about it. Sure, at some restaurants you can find a sort of "novelty" burger that isn't all that bad. 

 Nope, sorry, that's not what I'm looking for. I need a BURGER! Not finger food. How about another example.

 THAT... IS... BEAUTIFUL!  However, I think we can do better. In fact, let's just hop to it. 

 Now, I when I started taking pictures for this blog, I wasn't sure how I was really going to do it. I started off cooking 1/4 lb. beef patties in a normal large pan. Shortly thereafter, it dawned on me that to make the ultimate at-home burger, we'd have to do better than two patties of meat. Four would not suffice, either. How many was I going to need?
 

                                                                       A DOZEN!


Now that should make for a good burger! Okay, moving onward. Thankfully, I had a few baking pans in the kitchen, which I put to god use. 

                                                                     Ready to go!

 Once the burgers were done cooking, I began to assemble this beautiful art piece of dead cattle.After the first three patties, I realized that the cheese was making the stability of this meat tower very unstable. After thinking for several painful seconds, I took some inspiration from the Andy's photo and used a kebab skewer to help center and stabilize it during construction. What a relief, it worked! Well, sort of.

  Gaze upon the finished product! This monstrosity of beefy, cheesy goodness! Bow before it's almighty fattening glory! One bun, 12 1/4 lb. beef patties and 20 slices of cheese! Trust me, it's all in there.

I can only tell you what pride I felt after creating the eighth wonder of the world, however, it was close to what some people feel after their first child is born. I was so instilled with pride I had to look over at my sweating oven and say, "Look, honey! Look what we did! Isn't she beautiful? She'll be the best tasting baby we ever ate!"

As I began to devour my precious little child I could only think, to myself, "how in the world could I top this? This is a really good burger. Well, the damn thing was ready to topple over like Jenga-- the entire time, so maybe going taller isn't the answer." The thought drifted through my mind as my stomach began to riddle with agony after attempting to consume such proportions. As I began to pass out, while chugging Pepto, I knew I could not give up on the search for the perfect burger.

Stay tuned. 

  

Cheeseburger Diaries: Why Homemade Is Better

I stopped by Burger King yesterday in my daily process of making sure the vegetarians never get a fighting chance to take over. I stop by there about once a week and am a great lover of the Quad-Stacker burger.

Seriously, four beef patties, four slices of cheese and four strips of bacon. How can you not love that? It really is the king of burgers. Now, some of you might say, "No! The whopper is! It's the original Burger King sandwich!" Not so, fruitcake. But I do happen to have a whopper-related gripe right now.

When you actually go inside the restaurant and order food, you tend to get a greeting like this: "Hi, how can I help you?" Or: "Hello, what can I get you today?"

Okay, see, that was how it's supposed to be. It's quick, to the point, and there was no unnecessary conversation about my ass, not that I would really mind it. Okay, next example.

The drive-thru is a bit different. This is not only because there is a greater chance of your order getting screwed up, but because the greeting you receive is also different. When you pull up, the first thing you usually hear is, "Hi, would you like to try a ---- combo today?"

Wait a minute, what the hell was that? Was the employee just making suggestions to me about what I should eat from their establishment? I've been to fast food joints a few times in my life and I have a pretty good idea of what I like and what I don't like. I know what I order often, what I order occasionally and what I never order.

Fast food dude, let me decide for myself, okay?

Now, the drive-thru is supposed to be the fastest way to get your order. It, usually, beats getting out of your vehicle and going inside but this is not always true. What you want to see is a clear drive-thru without a million cars ahead of you. What you usually see is this:

                                               I hope you remembered to bring a book.


While most people know this can be a common occurrence, there tend to be those people who are just too impatient to wait for their order like everyone else and take matters into their own hands. 

  
 Let me tell you, drive-thru stupidity doesn't stop there. I almost rode a bike through a McDonalds drive-thru many years ago. The only reason I was going to attempt to do so was because I was insanely drunk but it seemed like a good idea at the time and I figured they wouldn't turn me away for not actually being in a car. As it turns out some people have done similar things.

 I really should have thought of this one. I can't tell you how many times I go out to the barn in my backyard and wonder what I could use the horses for, besides sex. Wait, what?

                          "Hello? Can I get a chicken sandwich and a coke? Hello? HELLO?" 



I tell ya, it's too much weirdness to deal with, sometimes. Except for one special item:

Do you love toast?

Do you love toast? Of course you do. We all love toast. Toast is a wonderful thing and has contributed much to society for many years.

 

People have learned to love toast from infancy. Do you remember being born? The doctor slapped you on the ass with a piece of toast to get you breathing. From then on, you loved toast more than anything. 

 
Obviously, to appreciate toast, we must pay homage to its creator and reason for being: the toaster! 

  

This an example of a classic toaster. It says, "Shove it in me, fucker! I can take double-penetration all day!"

These days, we don't have to settle for such a plain and standard device. We have options that weren't available in decades past. Let's go over just a few of them.

There's rainbow toasters, for those of you who iron your underwear on a daily basis.

 

 
There's the "Hello Kitty" toaster for kids of all ages. This model comes with a free fork to play with inside the toaster while you're waiting for your bread to brown. What fun!

 Then there's this model, for those of you who really love toast. Now, I can hear some of you saying, "but, Chad, what if I'm the type of person who wants my toast to love me back? Why can't I find a toaster that really expresses the mutual love that my toaster and I share?" Well, search no longer, you sick fuck. 

 

Sometimes, two slices of toast just isn't enough. Those of us who wish to double toast production in the same amount of time tend to rely on the standard four-slicer.  

Now, you'd think making four slices would be enough for some people. Well, you'd be wrong. There are those that walk among us who crave toast like no other. They hunger for it with a passion that defies reason. You can often find these people huddled around a conveyor toaster, protecting it like a lion would protect a kill in the wild. Be wary around these types. They will lash out in violence if you venture too close to them while they are making their precious toast. 

  

On the flip side, toast can also be fun and exciting. Those who are inspired by arts and crafts, tend to take their interest directly to the breakfast table.

  
Even the Virgin Mary can be found on toast! More importantly, she can also be found on eBay. Is this worth a couple thousand dollars? You decide:

  
The average person often forgets how popular toast has become. Even television has realized the popularity of it. There's Powdered Toast Man:
 

  
"The Brave Little Toaster":

  
There's even cereal!

  
So, the next time you sneer at the thought of having "plain, dry, boring toast", remember this useful information. You'll be glad you did. 

New at your local Wendy's!

 Tired of the same old chili, so packed with beans that it makes you vomit just to look at it? Wish there were more meat to fill you up right? Looking for a reason to file a frivolous lawsuit? Well, you're in luck! Starting next month, Wendy's will be proud to feature Chad's Chumbucket Chili!

 

When you buy chili in the store, it's anyone's guess as to what kind of meat is lurking inside. Pork, poultry and fish products can wind up anywhere, even in your own ass! Here at Chad's Chumbucket Chili, we pride ourselves in using only the freshest ingredients: YOU! Our chili is made from freshly ground people, straight from our manufacturing plant in Fargo, North Dakota. You can always count on us for a great meal that may even be someone you know!

Weren't you always wondering what Billy did after high school? Who cares! At least the bastard tastes great! Remember how he pushed you down and laughed after gym class? Doesn't it make you feel better, now that he's just a dark stain on your toilet paper? So, when ever you feel the need for a chili that's as much fun to eat as it to flip through your old yearbook, try our brand instead. Chad's Chumbucket Chili. Choose it, Chump!