Cheeseburger Diaries: The Monster Burger

After my first two tries at creating the ultimate burger, I was doing some heavy thinking on how to top myself. It wasn't going to be easy. The first, with it's dozen patties, was a thing of beauty that will last through the ages. The second, with it's bacony goodness, was more delicious than all the filet mignon, lobster and caviar in the world. Now, it was time to try something different. Got your napkins? Good, you'll need every single one.

 

A single package of ground beef just wasn't going to be enough, this time. What I needed was something of a more insane category.

Oh, hell yes!!! Now we're talking! So, how exactly was I going to cook this much damn ground beef? Hmmm.........

Good, I think we're on the right track.  

Yep, this is looking better and better every second. However, I'm thinking that we're not ready to rock just yet. Let's take this just a little further.

Feel you mouth watering? No? Well, hold on, you'll come around. We're not finished yet.

If you think all that beef came from the grocery store, you'd be wrong. I actually had to slaughter my own cow for this experiment. Poor Bessie.

After spending about an hour in the oven, it was time for the burgers to come out. I managed to set off my smoke alarm a few times in the process, too. I'm sure my downstairs neighbors weren't bothered, as this is a semi-daily occurrence.

  
 Woo-hoo! My kitchen smelled awesome and was thinking about stripping down and taking a bath in all the grease that had collected at the bottom of the pans. Okay, it was time to start assembling this beast.

I broke out the cheese and bacon from the fridge and went to work. I had trouble finding a big enough bun to fit this behemoth so I decided to use focaccia bread instead.

Sometimes, I'm just so damn proud of myself. This, my friends, is more burger than one person can handle and it appeared I was going to need help. Luckily, a few friends were on hand to get this beast taken care of.

 

Csaba was a big help in devouring this monster. In fact, he grabbed it away from me before I could react and attempted to dig in right away. Asshole.

Now, it was time to cut this burger apart and enjoy the yummy goodness. As my taste buds orgasmed multiple times, I figured this might be the last attempt at the ultimate burger, as its awesomeness could hardly be topped.  

 

Cheeseburger Diaries: The Baconator

 Since the dawn of time, human-kind has splattered their burgers with just about as much crap as possible. Like a Chicago hotdog, people tend to pile on ingredients that just make me nauseous: vegetables.

What the hell? Are you having a burger or a salad? I'm disgusted and offended right now. When I think of a decent burger, only three things come to mind: bun, beef patty and cheese. Now, I'm not opposed, whatsoever, to jazzing up ones tasty treat with alternate toppings. However, I want to express the most important one of all to include:

BACON! Yes, that wonderful meat that creates a mouthful of orgasms with every bite. No burger could be complete without it and today's creation will be no exception. Now, if you're expecting me to just put some slices of bacon on some ordinary burger, you'd be wrong. It's been done.

  How about just a shitload of bacon sandwiched together? Yeah, that's nice, but it's not worth writing a blog over. Still got your napkins? Good, you'll need them.
 

If only you could eat this stuff right out of the package. Seriously, I hate having to wait for it to cook, much less keep myself from burning my fingers while reaching into the pan to grab some while it's simmering away. Let's cook some bacon!

 What's this? Bacon in a blender? Why the hell would someone do that? Well, for starters, let me tell you that bacon doesn't blend all that well. Hey, you never know until you try, right? Yeah, I was having real trouble doing it this way. Thankfully, I still had one more option at my disposal.

   





 My Slushie-express was a much better size for dealing with this. It also meant I'd have to clean bits of bacon out of both appliances.

 Success! A lovely plateful of pureed bacon! Now, say what you want about what it looks like, this is going to be pureed awesome when we're done. So, what exactly are we making here?

         
  Bacon patties! Oh, hell yes! This was so much better than mere strips. I couldn't wait for it to get   
done.

     
   I wasn't exactly sure how well they would cook and they both broke up a little before they were done but it didn't matter.

    Yep, bacon and beef together in such harmony makes me want to cry tears of joy. Well, maybe after I'm done eating it.

Two beef patties, two bacon patties and five slices of cheese that melted instantly in this overly-greasy mess.

So, we've got our food all prepared but now we need a proper beverage. 

   

 

Bacon coke? Sounds unhealthy. Oh, wait, it's diet! 

  Bacon martini?

Bacon products are even available to the modern businessman! 

 

The bacon wallet.  

                                                         The bacon briefcase. 

  


                   Wait, I think I'm getting off-track. 

There's even Bacon Band-Aids for when you burn yourself while cooking bacon! Now, don't you feel educated and better-off for realizing how much you love bacon? Of course you do. Now get off your ass and go eat some! 
 

The Adventures of Ratchet-Man!

  What's this? A mysterious box? Good heavens, what could possibly be inside? I hope it's not a bomb as I have numerous enemies who would love nothing more than to see see my untimely demise. I decided to open the cardboard surprise to study the guts of this strange abomination.

 Oh, right, I ordered an AB-Lounge Ultra. Why the hell did I do that? Am I getting fat? No, not very likely. Well, as long as it's here, I may as well use it, right? Time to feel the burn!  

 Oh, right, I ordered an AB-Lounge Ultra. Why the hell did I do that? Am I getting fat? No, not very likely. Well, as long as it's here, I may as well use it, right? Time to feel the burn!  

 Squirt jumped inside and took a look around.

"Um, Chad," she said, "I think this is going to take some work. This will probably take some level of mechanical skill that you do not currently possess."

Squirt was right. I am, by no means, mechanically inclined. Sure, I could fix your computer but when it comes to anything not related to that subject, it becomes a difficult task to even microwave a frozen burrito.  

 I inspected the item more closely and was astonished at the humility of my situation. Shame began to set in as I knew I would be forced to resort to alternative measures to ensure the construction of the devise.

Then, a thought dawned on me. Why should I be the one to have to put this thing together. Why not someone better? Someone.......SUPER! But who? Who would come to save the day? At that moment a mysterious figure broke down my back door, pushed me to the ground and stole my burrito.  

 "Never fear, Ratchet-Man is here!"

My masked assailant stood above me, striking a gallant pose and kicking me in the balls.

"Your feeble skills are no match for mine, human! Stand back and allow me to construct the devise and make out with your girlfriend! Oh, and your burrito is still cold in the middle."  

  

 Ratchet-Man struck another pose after drinking my last beer.

"Stay out of the way, mortal! You are not fit to call yourself a man and you smell of elderberries!"

 

 Ratchet-Man grabbed my phone and ordered pizza on my credit card. Then he ordered pay-per-view porn and made me fix him a vodka-tonic. I could hear him from the next room shouting, "If you put one vegetable on that pizza I'll rip your fucking balls off! I want meat, not a damn salad!"

 At that moment, I lunged at him with a knife but he slapped me in the face and took it away from me.

"Silly human, Ratchet-Man cannot be hurt by physical means! You have no idea that......hey, that's a sweet knife. I'm taking this"

   

 After feeding him several more vodkas, Ratchet-Man calmed down and decided to take a look at the AB-Lounge.

 "A manual? Ratchet-Man has no use for manuals! Where is my super-lighter so I can burn them like I burned David Caruso's acting ability."

 As it turned out, the Ab-Lounge Ultra came almost completely assembled. This was a good thing because Ratchet-Man was getting pretty drunk and staring rather oddly at my cat. I was beginning to become worried.

 "Observe my skills, human! No ordinary man can match my abilities! My powers are far beyond anything your human comics have shown you! By the way, I used to beat up Superman in high-school. Seriously!" 

 Ratchet-Man decided to strike one last pose before leaving. Of course he stole my wallet, as well. I truly, truly despise him. Of course, I couldn't help but think to myself that I might not have seen the last of that costumed asshole. Better get bigger door locks, I think. God, my balls still hurt.   

Cheeseburger Diaries: The Skyscraper

  
 Are you hungry for a decent burger? I sure am. The problem is avoiding all those fast-food joints and taking matters into your own hands to get the kind of burger that will really satisfy. Taking this into account, I decided that the best burger in the world is the one that you make for yourself. The question is: what kind of burger am I looking for?

I love the Quad-Stacker burger from Burger King. Four beef patties, four slices of cheese and four strips of bacon. Seriously, I'm getting a hard-on just thinking about it. Sure, at some restaurants you can find a sort of "novelty" burger that isn't all that bad. 

 Nope, sorry, that's not what I'm looking for. I need a BURGER! Not finger food. How about another example.

 THAT... IS... BEAUTIFUL!  However, I think we can do better. In fact, let's just hop to it. 

 Now, I when I started taking pictures for this blog, I wasn't sure how I was really going to do it. I started off cooking 1/4 lb. beef patties in a normal large pan. Shortly thereafter, it dawned on me that to make the ultimate at-home burger, we'd have to do better than two patties of meat. Four would not suffice, either. How many was I going to need?
 

                                                                       A DOZEN!


Now that should make for a good burger! Okay, moving onward. Thankfully, I had a few baking pans in the kitchen, which I put to god use. 

                                                                     Ready to go!

 Once the burgers were done cooking, I began to assemble this beautiful art piece of dead cattle.After the first three patties, I realized that the cheese was making the stability of this meat tower very unstable. After thinking for several painful seconds, I took some inspiration from the Andy's photo and used a kebab skewer to help center and stabilize it during construction. What a relief, it worked! Well, sort of.

  Gaze upon the finished product! This monstrosity of beefy, cheesy goodness! Bow before it's almighty fattening glory! One bun, 12 1/4 lb. beef patties and 20 slices of cheese! Trust me, it's all in there.

I can only tell you what pride I felt after creating the eighth wonder of the world, however, it was close to what some people feel after their first child is born. I was so instilled with pride I had to look over at my sweating oven and say, "Look, honey! Look what we did! Isn't she beautiful? She'll be the best tasting baby we ever ate!"

As I began to devour my precious little child I could only think, to myself, "how in the world could I top this? This is a really good burger. Well, the damn thing was ready to topple over like Jenga-- the entire time, so maybe going taller isn't the answer." The thought drifted through my mind as my stomach began to riddle with agony after attempting to consume such proportions. As I began to pass out, while chugging Pepto, I knew I could not give up on the search for the perfect burger.

Stay tuned.