Cheeseburger Diaries: The Monster Burger

After my first two tries at creating the ultimate burger, I was doing some heavy thinking on how to top myself. It wasn't going to be easy. The first, with it's dozen patties, was a thing of beauty that will last through the ages. The second, with it's bacony goodness, was more delicious than all the filet mignon, lobster and caviar in the world. Now, it was time to try something different. Got your napkins? Good, you'll need every single one.

 

A single package of ground beef just wasn't going to be enough, this time. What I needed was something of a more insane category.

Oh, hell yes!!! Now we're talking! So, how exactly was I going to cook this much damn ground beef? Hmmm.........

Good, I think we're on the right track.  

Yep, this is looking better and better every second. However, I'm thinking that we're not ready to rock just yet. Let's take this just a little further.

Feel you mouth watering? No? Well, hold on, you'll come around. We're not finished yet.

If you think all that beef came from the grocery store, you'd be wrong. I actually had to slaughter my own cow for this experiment. Poor Bessie.

After spending about an hour in the oven, it was time for the burgers to come out. I managed to set off my smoke alarm a few times in the process, too. I'm sure my downstairs neighbors weren't bothered, as this is a semi-daily occurrence.

  
 Woo-hoo! My kitchen smelled awesome and was thinking about stripping down and taking a bath in all the grease that had collected at the bottom of the pans. Okay, it was time to start assembling this beast.

I broke out the cheese and bacon from the fridge and went to work. I had trouble finding a big enough bun to fit this behemoth so I decided to use focaccia bread instead.

Sometimes, I'm just so damn proud of myself. This, my friends, is more burger than one person can handle and it appeared I was going to need help. Luckily, a few friends were on hand to get this beast taken care of.

 

Csaba was a big help in devouring this monster. In fact, he grabbed it away from me before I could react and attempted to dig in right away. Asshole.

Now, it was time to cut this burger apart and enjoy the yummy goodness. As my taste buds orgasmed multiple times, I figured this might be the last attempt at the ultimate burger, as its awesomeness could hardly be topped.  

 

Cheeseburger Diaries: The Baconator

 Since the dawn of time, human-kind has splattered their burgers with just about as much crap as possible. Like a Chicago hotdog, people tend to pile on ingredients that just make me nauseous: vegetables.

What the hell? Are you having a burger or a salad? I'm disgusted and offended right now. When I think of a decent burger, only three things come to mind: bun, beef patty and cheese. Now, I'm not opposed, whatsoever, to jazzing up ones tasty treat with alternate toppings. However, I want to express the most important one of all to include:

BACON! Yes, that wonderful meat that creates a mouthful of orgasms with every bite. No burger could be complete without it and today's creation will be no exception. Now, if you're expecting me to just put some slices of bacon on some ordinary burger, you'd be wrong. It's been done.

  How about just a shitload of bacon sandwiched together? Yeah, that's nice, but it's not worth writing a blog over. Still got your napkins? Good, you'll need them.
 

If only you could eat this stuff right out of the package. Seriously, I hate having to wait for it to cook, much less keep myself from burning my fingers while reaching into the pan to grab some while it's simmering away. Let's cook some bacon!

 What's this? Bacon in a blender? Why the hell would someone do that? Well, for starters, let me tell you that bacon doesn't blend all that well. Hey, you never know until you try, right? Yeah, I was having real trouble doing it this way. Thankfully, I still had one more option at my disposal.

   





 My Slushie-express was a much better size for dealing with this. It also meant I'd have to clean bits of bacon out of both appliances.

 Success! A lovely plateful of pureed bacon! Now, say what you want about what it looks like, this is going to be pureed awesome when we're done. So, what exactly are we making here?

         
  Bacon patties! Oh, hell yes! This was so much better than mere strips. I couldn't wait for it to get   
done.

     
   I wasn't exactly sure how well they would cook and they both broke up a little before they were done but it didn't matter.

    Yep, bacon and beef together in such harmony makes me want to cry tears of joy. Well, maybe after I'm done eating it.

Two beef patties, two bacon patties and five slices of cheese that melted instantly in this overly-greasy mess.

So, we've got our food all prepared but now we need a proper beverage. 

   

 

Bacon coke? Sounds unhealthy. Oh, wait, it's diet! 

  Bacon martini?

Bacon products are even available to the modern businessman! 

 

The bacon wallet.  

                                                         The bacon briefcase. 

  


                   Wait, I think I'm getting off-track. 

There's even Bacon Band-Aids for when you burn yourself while cooking bacon! Now, don't you feel educated and better-off for realizing how much you love bacon? Of course you do. Now get off your ass and go eat some!